Actors of Abuse (Trigger Warning: SA Abuse, Manipulation, Consent, Physical violence)

Gaslight serenade

Man 7: Abuser two

Act 1 

Tinder 

A swipe away from meeting the love of your life

Or in my case

One swipe from netting my favourite devil - a leech only soul and a fist on my flesh 

It started wonderful 

A new queer scene full of love and #queerexpression 

Interlocutions of friends who were like me; outcasts that have grouped together 

Yet the drugs and sex made it messy and started to trip me up – I did not partake in any of these illicit activities, but it was so prominent – uncomfortableness felt  like home now

I was a child compared to his manipulation 

So malleable to his discouragement 

Kisses and dates; seemingly perfect 

Finally eternal bliss; my eternal sunshine that would cast away any shadows 

Fuck was I wrong 

Act 2

It turned slowly 

A sand timer - each molecule of minutes casting, looming closer to my deathbed 

Manipulation came quick after the honeymoon 

Treading myself down the aisle 

My white dress casting red with the blood of the past, a Canvas of Bruises and Whispers:

Isolation 

He promised me an island where I would not have faced the toxicity of everyday life

He opened floodgates I did not know I had 

Regurgitating memories of the past 

Act 3 

The abuse 

It was unexpected 

At first it was snide pushes or a slap on the wrist

A jealousy; envious that I was becoming who I wanted to be, and he was stuck behind a wig

The words; tearing me down so he could rebuild me 

Dresses and makeup; I was his barbie – stuck in a class cage, soundproof, being choked on air so thick with pollution yet no one could hear me  

Unless I mi stepped on his carefully placed traps. Deadnaming me to remind me of who I was to him an action man.

I was scared, scarred and pushed to an edge of death.

But how could a drag queen do that? You ask. I do not know either

The Sexual Nature of abuse:

Unwilling but he scared me into submission

Sex whenever he wanted 

Consent was merely a script by now

He was dancing on the lines of abuse but never enough for me to speak up it right

I learned to ace your tests, so you do not grab at me. History nerd at heart; beamish. You hand me your phone and march with the other queens. Fine by me. I have a got feeling; strange notifications pop up. I am intrigued. My gut feeling was right

I applaud the efforts and lengths you went to hide it from me

Almost like you hide your true front with your drag persona. Hm predictable

Squirt.org  - local hookups. As if taking from me was not enough

Selfish and unhappy yet you fronted your love for me through abuse and words of daggers.

I hide and you lose me; this will not be the first time. You lost me when you left the pieces left there for me to trace

You really are not that smart. Search history time: Makeup – fine, Reddit – more questionable. I have already found evidence so let us stack the odds against you.

Is it ok to wank whilst your partners asleep.’ After me telling you I was abused by man three in my sleep. WOW. The final blow. Yet you had a perfect excuse for everything. You were so sexually corrupt and all I was a mere tab you could not close.

Act 4 

He  

Pushed me into a mirror 

It shattered 

Throwing frames and brushes around

Slamming doors and furniture around just so he knew how bad he could hit me if I step out of line

I want the only one ‘

He used to fight his family

Arguments turned nuclear and I was left deal with the fallout

I was in it now sinking faster

Trapped in a quicksand of daggers and physicality that was unbeknownst to me 

It was normalised

The body shaming; the cheating; the adultery

Rings of marriage welded onto my finger – branded as his chauffer

Yet my breaths were his; my body was his; he consumed me in my entirety, and I was speechless in his acts 

Act 5 

My mental health spiralled

Killing me slowly

I punished myself 

Because why would I be happy if he is not 

That would not be fair. Would it?

So, I punished myself

Lying and fooling everyone around me 

I am fine; he is the love of my life

I cut myself open to let him in – it was merely salt in the wound

Yet the love of your life should not control how much you eat, or where you sleep 

Or make you terrified to breathe in the wrong direction

A snake; constantly biting; but I became use to the poison; it felt like heaven 

Bleeding from my arms to let him in

Bleeding until he confessed his love proclaiming it to anyone that would listen 

They believed him 

Act 6: The end 

I needed it to stop 

Subconsciously I had drowned in a rise of my tears 

Clamed valleys of depression 

And I just saw an eternal manscape if I stayed 

But I could not leave 

So, I tried 

I tried to leave and watch everyone form above 

Thats when the realisation hit 

Abuse is not normal 

So, what the fuck was I staying for 

After my hospital visits, I left 

My mum and best friend were in tears

I was killing myself 

And he was finishing the job 

I am reformed now 

He is long gone 

His shoves and grabs still knock the wind out me 

But I can breathe clean air now he is gone 

Act 7: Yes, there is more

You ask to drop my stuff off. Fine

I enjoy my vinyl’s to be fair

You have a bag of crap at mine

It means nothing to me

Hoodies you let me wear, clothes

You bring your friend for this conversation of closure

I do not need closure your abuse was enough

Try to come 8off like you are so hard done by. Grow up

My dress and clothes are back. Good

You are sad there was no communication, yet you put us there

You are so empathetic, I did not mean to hurt you. Yet it was your just your fists then

Calling me schizophrenic, add, telling people I am an alcoholic. So, I drank my gin whilst we talked, I am not one to shy away from a label. Call me a bitch and ill show what damage I can do; confrontation with you did not scare me. Not when I was in my own home and you needed to keep up appearances for your friend. It is ironic is not it that I finally got my own back on you, and you have to keep pretending. Trust me the mask will slip one day, and you will have no one or nothing. So,  I did not give you much, not even eye contact. Two strangers sat on my bed

You asked if an abusive relationship was but did not give you the satisfaction of letting you know that you broke me into pieces than played me like a game

A selfish conversation I did not want

But you and selfishness are all part of the ploy of your wonderful drag character

But that is just what are. Masks of delusion and hurt you refuse to take off until you want me to fix you.

I thought I could fix him. But why bother when he wants to break me to.

• Signed you favourite ex xoxo